I was finishing up a run recently when a song stopped me in my tracks. There was a line about joining a “mighty set of misfits,” and I immediately thought about KOZ.
I’ve used words like rogue and feral to describe us over the years because we’ve never been afraid of doing ministry a little differently. We’re not trying to make everything polished and perfect. We’re a mighty group of men, wives, and churches who have decided that the boys of our world are worth investing in.
But that morning, something else hit me even harder. I heard a man talking about growing up and how safe he felt simply because his dad was there. They could be doing crazy things or find themselves in places that weren’t necessarily safe, but if Dad was there, he knew he was going to be okay.
That brought a tear to my eye and it reminded me of something I believe we need to talk about more as men: it’s okay to feel.
When a Boy Learns to Shut Down
I can remember a time in my own life when feeling didn’t seem safe. I was probably 13, 14, or 15 years old and hitchhiking across the United States. One night, a guy dropped me off on the side of a highway in the middle of nowhere around two or three in the morning. I was cold, tired, hungry, lonely, and angry. Then it started raining.
Across a plowed pasture, way off in the distance, I could see a little white farmhouse. There was a light on the front porch. I remember looking at that light and thinking that I just wanted to walk over there, knock on the door, and ask those people to love me. I wanted somebody to invite me inside. I wanted somebody to care about me, but I didn’t go.
Instead, that young boy standing on the side of the highway made a decision.
I shut it all down. I shut down the fear, I shut down the loneliness, I shut down the emotions because, in my mind, I couldn’t afford to feel them. I had to survive.
Looking back now, I realize there are boys all around us doing the same thing.
Boys Need Men Who Make Them Feel Safe
A boy doesn’t have to be standing alone on the side of a highway to feel abandoned. He can be sitting in a classroom, walking through the halls at school, lying in his bedroom, or even standing right in the middle of a KOZ group surrounded by other boys.
On the outside, he may look tough. He may be angry, he may act like nothing bothers him, or he may push every button you’ve got. But inside, there may still be a little boy looking for that light on the porch. He wants to know somebody cares, he wants to know somebody is going to stay and he wants to know he’s safe.
That’s one reason why boys need men who make them feel safe. Not men who have all the answers, but consistent men who keep showing up. Sometimes your presence says more to a boy than anything you could ever teach him.
Men Can Cry
For a long time, I thought shutting off my emotions was part of being strong. I’ve spent years learning otherwise.
I’m 67 years old, and God is still healing places in me. I’ve had to fight to reclaim some of those emotions I buried all those years ago and understand that they have a place in my life, my ministry, my walk with Jesus, and my growth as a man.
Men can cry. Men can hurt. Men can acknowledge fear, loneliness, joy, grief, and love. There is strength in being secure enough in who we are as sons of God that we don’t have to run from those things.
When I was running that morning and thinking about the times in my childhood when my dad was there, when my family was intact, and when life felt safe and good, I had a tear in my eye.
And you know what? I liked it.
For me, those moments can be reminders to slow down and acknowledge the presence of the Holy Spirit. To be present with His presence instead of running past what He’s doing in my heart.
What Are the Boys Around Us Turning Off?
As I thought about my own story, my mind immediately went to our boys.
How many young men are shutting down their emotions right now because they’ve decided that’s the only way to survive? How many have already started believing the lie that they don’t have value? How many believe they don’t matter? How many have decided that allowing someone into those places will only lead to more hurt?
Those are dangerous agreements for a boy to make, and that’s why our work matters so much.
Fishing, hunting, archery, camping, and learning to use tools matters. Getting dirty, laughing around a fire, and doing things boys love all matter. But ultimately, those things give us an opportunity to do something much bigger.
They give us an opportunity to build a relationship with a boy and show him the love of Jesus.
Somebody Usually Has to Bring Jesus to Him
Yes, Jesus performs miracles. God can radically transform someone’s life in a moment, but so often, there’s another person involved in the story.
Somebody shares the Gospel, somebody invites him to church, somebody tells him about Jesus, somebody keeps showing up long enough for him to believe that maybe this person really does care, somebody creates enough trust that he finally becomes vulnerable enough to let someone into the places he has spent years protecting, and then Jesus begins changing everything.
For one of the boys in your KOZ group, you may be that somebody.
You don’t have to fix him, you don’t have to know everything that’s happened in his life and you certainly don’t have to have your own life completely figured out.
You just need to be willing to show up, love him, and point him toward Jesus.
Healing Is a Lifelong Walk
There’s an old saying from 12-step programs that I’ve always appreciated: you take the trash closest to the door out first, then you keep walking. Over time, you discover some more trash hiding somewhere else, so you take that out too.
I think there’s a lot of truth in that when it comes to our walk with Jesus.
I’m still healing from broken places in my past. I’m still discovering things I’ve believed and agreements I’ve made that God wants to change. That’s part of the walk.
We try to do a little better today than we did yesterday, share a little more of the Gospel today than we did yesterday, love people a little better today than we did yesterday, and allow Jesus into a little more of our own hearts today than we did yesterday.
Your Presence May Be the Porch Light
I can’t help but think back to that little white farmhouse. All these years later, I can still remember that porch light and the little boy standing across the pasture wishing somebody would invite him inside.
There are boys looking for that same kind of safety today and they may never say it. They may not even know how to put it into words, but they’re looking.
That’s why boys need men who make them feel safe. They need men willing to step into their lives, stay consistent, listen, love them, and show them that their story isn’t over. Most importantly, they need to know that Jesus loves them. Their past doesn’t disqualify them. Their brokenness doesn’t scare Him away. They have value because they belong to Him.
KOZ gives us the opportunity to carry that message to boys who may never hear it otherwise. So keep showing up, keep loving those boys, keep sharing the Gospel, keep giving them a safe place to discover who God created them to be, and if you happen to see a grown man running down a trail with a tear in his eye, don’t worry about him. That’s probably a good thing.
Regulators, mount up.
— TJ Greaney
Founder, Kids Outdoor Zone
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