Sometimes the boy who gives you the most trouble is the boy who needs you the most.
My wife told me something years ago that has stuck with me: Don’t just look at the outside reaction; consider what’s going on inside. That’s easy to say, but it can be a lot harder to remember when a boy is angry, pushing buttons, picking a fight, or doing everything he can to disrupt what’s going on. When a boy acts out, our natural response is usually to deal with the behavior we can see and sometimes we need to correct that behavior. But if that’s all we do, we may completely miss what’s really going on with him.
When a Boy Acts Out, There May Be More Going On
I remember having a group of boys together when two of them got into a fight. In the moment, all I could see was two boys who needed to knock it off. But once I finally slowed down, sat with them, and started having a conversation, I learned what was really happening.
One of those boys had just found out his parents were getting divorced. The other had a grandparent who was very sick and could die at any time. Those boys weren’t really angry at each other; they were carrying some heavy things, and neither one knew what to do with the emotions he was feeling. So it came out as anger.
That’s something we need to remember as dads, mentors, and KOZ leaders. The behavior we see on the outside may only be a symptom of what’s happening on the inside.
Boys Don’t Always Know How to Tell Us What’s Wrong
It is hard to be a young man today. Boys have things coming at them from every direction. They’re dealing with family situations, friendships, school, social pressure, technology, questions about who they are, and all kinds of influences competing for their attention. A lot of boys simply don’t know how to talk about it.
They may not have the words to tell you they’re scared. They may not know how to explain that they’re lonely. They may not want to admit that something going on at home is tearing them up inside. So instead, they get angry, withdraw, fight or push your buttons. That’s where we have to be willing to slow down.
I’m not a therapist or a psychologist and I don’t pretend to be. However, I do know the value of a man sitting beside a boy and taking the time to ask, “What’s going on?” Then actually listening to the answer.
Sometimes Boys Are Testing to See If You’ll Stay
There’s a single mom at our church raising three boys. She’s an incredible lady doing everything she can to keep things going and raise those boys well, but her oldest was really struggling. When he got involved with KOZ, he wanted to fight, he pushed buttons, he challenged the leaders and he was going to find out whether those men were real.
In a way, he was asking them a question without ever saying the words: Are you still going to be here when I’m difficult?
Those KOZ leaders answered that question by continuing to show up. They didn’t give up on him and they kept investing in him and his brothers. They gave those boys a place where they could be around godly men and ask questions about growing up, becoming men, making good choices, dealing with their thoughts and feelings, and following Jesus. Just recently, those boys asked Jesus into their hearts and were baptized.
That older boy still has struggles, but I believe that strong will of his can become one of his greatest strengths. When you get a strong-willed young man headed in the right direction and keep reminding him that he’s strong, valuable, and created for a purpose, you’d better watch out. God can do something incredible with him.
Before Correcting the Behavior, Remember HALT
One simple tool I’ve learned is HALT: Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired.
When a boy acts out, take a second and consider whether one of those things could be contributing to what you’re seeing. Maybe he’s hungry or exhausted, maybe something happened at school, maybe his parents had a fight, maybe he’s feeling ignored, or maybe he’s carrying something from home that nobody at KOZ knows anything about.
That doesn’t mean we ignore bad behavior or don’t have boundaries. It means we care enough about the boy to look beyond the behavior. Instead of only asking, “What did you do?” maybe we also need to ask, “What’s going on with you?”
Put the Phone Down and Show Him You’re All In
I heard a guy share something recently that really stuck with me. Imagine you’re a KOZ leader sitting on the tailgate on Saturday morning waiting for the boys to arrive. You’re looking at your phone, checking whatever it is we check, and then that first boy walks up. What happens if you immediately put your phone down and don’t touch it again? Think about what that communicates to him.
You’re more important than this phone. I’m here for you. You have my attention.
The same thing applies at home. When your son walks into the room, what would it communicate if you put the phone down, looked at him, and engaged with him? “How was your day?” “How are you doing?” “What’s going on?” Those aren’t complicated questions, but they tell a boy something he desperately needs to know: I’m all in for you.
Boys Need Men and They Need Community
One of the greatest things we can give boys is a strong community around them.
I’m especially partial to the church family because I’ve seen what can happen when godly men surround boys and consistently show up in their lives. That’s a big part of what we do through Kids Outdoor Zone.
Yes, we get boys outside. We teach them skills, we hunt, fish, shoot bows, work with tools, and have a lot of fun doing it. Those activities create opportunities for something much bigger as they give us time with boys and opportunities to listen. They give boys a community of men who can model what it looks like to follow Jesus, make good choices, treat people well, and grow into godly men. And for a boy who doesn’t have that kind of influence at home, those relationships can be life-changing.
The Boy Who Frustrates You May Need You Most
Men, our boys have a lot going on in their world and we do too. We’re busy, we’ve got jobs, families, responsibilities, bills, phones ringing, and a hundred other things competing for our attention. But we’re also raising the next generation.
We need these boys to know that they’re loved and we need them to know they matter. We need them to know there are men willing to listen to them, pray for them, teach them, and keep showing up when things get difficult.
So the next time a boy acts out, don’t just look at what’s happening on the outside. Slow down, pay attention, listen and ask another question. There may be something happening underneath that behavior that he’s hoping somebody will notice, and you may be the man God has placed in his life to notice it.
Regulators, mount up.
—TJ Greaney
Founder, Kids Outdoor Zone
Ready to get started? Learn how to start a KOZ group at your church today. https://www.kidsoutdoorzone.com/groupstartdetails
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